In Denia1

“In Denial”. I was trying to deny it but that is very true. My thoughts contains the very technical stuff of PHP and Macromedia Actionscript and design as I try to put up my personal website along with the PHP-nuke page of Lordhouse running from Tim’s server b0x. I have configured the server to run Dan J. Bernstein’s programs namely the qmail MTransfer Agent to replace Sendmail, ucspi-tcp as a replacement to inetd, daemontools as a set of tools for managing daemons and their logs, and djbdns for DNS resolutions replacing BIND. I have also configured the MySQL database to run efficiently and the Apache web server to run virtual hosts. I have installed the Inter7’s vpopmail to run along with courier-imap, qmailadmin and Squirrelmail that took me a long time to troubleshoot because it is not showing up properly and conflicts with the current installation of RedHat9. I am considering a firewall setup with iptables and some other modifications to the Linux kernel. I have registered a number of domains for my personal use and our planned Shell and webhosting services of ShellWorks.org. Tried to develop Pao’s webpage at shellph.com as I tried to tweak and enhance my own blogspot page while editing in Dreamweaver for a page and an album for Heindell.net. Enhanced my lordstein.tk site along with my digging the internet superhighway for scripts, templates, graphics, hacks and programs I can make use of. Google with hacks from O’Reilly has been my friend with Firefox. I have kazaa, limewire, orkut, friendster, myspace, multiply, yahoo, icq, gmail, NFT, and warez forums I cannot disclose here.

Imagine me doing all that while I question the existence of God, the devil, and the soul at the same time. Imagine me trying to find the true meaning of Truth; Thinking about thinking; Re-defining definitions; and establishing Absolutes. I am a fool. I am a fool to even try…

I have been greatly influenced by John Fowles with his works especially “The Magus” and “The Aristos” which served like a bible to me that I carry it everywhere and read parts of it from time to time. I still have Ayn Rand’s virtue of selfishness and Objectivism to recuperate for other purposes I have not yet decided. Epistemology and Hermeneutics for other things I have not yet established. My faith has always been troubled and it was triggered when I read the works of Dan Brown. I have the pre-Socratics running on my head as if I owe them something that I should tell the world about the Arche symbolizing the ultimate stuff of the world. There is more to dig around about them and I need to stop and ponder things over so that I can organize whatever ideas I have in mind. Heraclitus of Change and the Logos as the principle of unity amidst universal change and opposition; Thales of water; Anaximenes of air; Pythagoras of numbers, Parmenides of permanence and Absolute Being; Anaximander of apeiron or the unlimited; Empedocles, Anaxagoras, and Democritus of the atom; Plotinus of The One as the first principle of all… they all have something to say about the world and it seems that they have not said enough. There is more. There is a more absolute reality that we have yet to re-discover.

I am in denial, yes, and I tried to refuse to admit that. All along I was thinking or convincing my self that the song “dry your eyes” was about acceptance. Acceptance, not giving up or letting go. It is forgiveness in a more noble sense. Since being noble induce courage, acceptance is generosity in selfishness. Acceptance is to give oneself a relief for its own. Some people have to let go because it is the best thing to do. Some others reason out that there is nothing else to choose. But I do not believe that there is no other option in any given situation. There is always a choice and it can be even at odds.

Talking to my self.

“Dry your eyes mate. I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Dry your eyes mate. I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, but you've got to walk away now, It's over…”

Oh, how that song touched my complex heart. How I cannot stop thinking about my deseo and how I failed her. How I failed with my aspirations for Him. Is it really over? Is it really the end? Or cant we stand together and help supporting each other?

I have to admit that Technical stuff and Philosophical brainstorming is not the only thing that moves me. My emotion breaks me and I had been trying to be strong diverting to other things whatever that can impulse me. I breathe and move and have my being… but...... ...