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In Denia1

“In Denial”. I was trying to deny it but that is very true. My thoughts contains the very technical stuff of PHP and Macromedia Actionscript and design as I try to put up my personal website along with the PHP-nuke page of Lordhouse running from Tim’s server b0x. I have configured the server to run Dan J. Bernstein’s programs namely the qmail MTransfer Agent to replace Sendmail, ucspi-tcp as a replacement to inetd, daemontools as a set of tools for managing daemons and their logs, and djbdns for DNS resolutions replacing BIND. I have also configured the MySQL database to run efficiently and the Apache web server to run virtual hosts. I have installed the Inter7’s vpopmail to run along with courier-imap, qmailadmin and Squirrelmail that took me a long time to troubleshoot because it is not showing up properly and conflicts with the current installation of RedHat9. I am considering a firewall setup with iptables and some other modifications to the Linux kernel. I have registered a number of domains for my personal use and our planned Shell and webhosting services of ShellWorks.org. Tried to develop Pao’s webpage at shellph.com as I tried to tweak and enhance my own blogspot page while editing in Dreamweaver for a page and an album for Heindell.net. Enhanced my lordstein.tk site along with my digging the internet superhighway for scripts, templates, graphics, hacks and programs I can make use of. Google with hacks from O’Reilly has been my friend with Firefox. I have kazaa, limewire, orkut, friendster, myspace, multiply, yahoo, icq, gmail, NFT, and warez forums I cannot disclose here.

Imagine me doing all that while I question the existence of God, the devil, and the soul at the same time. Imagine me trying to find the true meaning of Truth; Thinking about thinking; Re-defining definitions; and establishing Absolutes. I am a fool. I am a fool to even try…

I have been greatly influenced by John Fowles with his works especially “The Magus” and “The Aristos” which served like a bible to me that I carry it everywhere and read parts of it from time to time. I still have Ayn Rand’s virtue of selfishness and Objectivism to recuperate for other purposes I have not yet decided. Epistemology and Hermeneutics for other things I have not yet established. My faith has always been troubled and it was triggered when I read the works of Dan Brown. I have the pre-Socratics running on my head as if I owe them something that I should tell the world about the Arche symbolizing the ultimate stuff of the world. There is more to dig around about them and I need to stop and ponder things over so that I can organize whatever ideas I have in mind. Heraclitus of Change and the Logos as the principle of unity amidst universal change and opposition; Thales of water; Anaximenes of air; Pythagoras of numbers, Parmenides of permanence and Absolute Being; Anaximander of apeiron or the unlimited; Empedocles, Anaxagoras, and Democritus of the atom; Plotinus of The One as the first principle of all… they all have something to say about the world and it seems that they have not said enough. There is more. There is a more absolute reality that we have yet to re-discover.

I am in denial, yes, and I tried to refuse to admit that. All along I was thinking or convincing my self that the song “dry your eyes” was about acceptance. Acceptance, not giving up or letting go. It is forgiveness in a more noble sense. Since being noble induce courage, acceptance is generosity in selfishness. Acceptance is to give oneself a relief for its own. Some people have to let go because it is the best thing to do. Some others reason out that there is nothing else to choose. But I do not believe that there is no other option in any given situation. There is always a choice and it can be even at odds.

Talking to my self.

“Dry your eyes mate. I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Dry your eyes mate. I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, but you've got to walk away now, It's over…”

Oh, how that song touched my complex heart. How I cannot stop thinking about my deseo and how I failed her. How I failed with my aspirations for Him. Is it really over? Is it really the end? Or cant we stand together and help supporting each other?

I have to admit that Technical stuff and Philosophical brainstorming is not the only thing that moves me. My emotion breaks me and I had been trying to be strong diverting to other things whatever that can impulse me. I breathe and move and have my being… but...... ...

Dry Your Eyes

Dry Your Eyes


In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'

Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.


(The Streets)
http://69.9.37.162/dry-your-eyes-becks.mp3 <--this is the parody
http://web.linuxsys.tk/~lordstein/mp3/The_Streets-Dry_Your_Eyes.mp3 <--if you want to hear the song



This is becoming another habit as i get bored waiting for my transport service for work. i get to listen to KrazyKevin of Radio Bahrain everyday with Dominik's recipe on Tuesdays and JoLincoln's fantastic voice on Thursdays...
It is a quiet day today. i got up with my usual routine and here i am at work blogging. i had been trying to put my emotions into written words but it has been my problem that i couldn't even write down whatever is really running on my head... technical stuff and philosophical musings, i got them mixed up in my head and its driving me crazy... i never finish anything :(